Community Forum

Hello everyone, I am new to the forum. I have Crohn's, diagnosed in 2007. One of the bigger issues I have is dealing with my in-laws acting as my "food police". The really crazy thing happens when my husband and I visit them. My mother-in-law always asks what foods I cannot eat prior to our visit. I assumed she did this so she could prepare meals that would be friendly to my system. Well, I was wrong. The first time she prepared food I couldn't eat, she then argued with me about it. The last time we visited, at Thanksgiving, she prepared homemade Chili, a food I cannot eat for several reasons. She offered to open a can of chicken noodle soup for me. The ironic thing is that my father-in-law has many food restrictions for health reasons, so when they visit us the demand that I prepare foods that meet his restrictions. My husband and I are planning a visit to my in-laws soon, and I am worried that I will face the same issues. Is it entirely wrong to think that a meal can be prepared that the entire family can enjoy? My restriction list is not long, compared to my father-in-law's. Should I approach my mother-in-law about this now, or wait and see what happens during our visit? Has anyone else faced this same difficulty, and how did you handle it? Many thanks for any words of wisdon

 Reply posted for cward367.

I feel your pain.  I have been struggling with this for several years and just found out for sure what it was.  We are from a big Italian family who lives their whole life in the kitchen and around a tv watching football - trust me, I love them like they are my parents, but holy cow....they just don't give up. 

I have actually got there and went to the store and got chicken breasts and whatever else I could eat and stayed away from what I felt was harmful to me the last time.  No matter how many times that my MIL has seen me hurting, she just doesn't get it and I decided that I would just do what I needed to do for me - now that there is a "diagnosis" - let's see how Thanksgiving goes.  I can guarantee you that I will do my own thing because there won't be much I am willing to eat!!! 

Do what you have to do to stay healthy!!!

 Reply posted for alivein315.

Thanks for all the advise. I have decided that I will take my own meals for Christmas Eve and the few days after Christmas that we will be there. Christmas day shouldn't be a problem as we have turkey with the fixings and there is always a lot of food and I can choose the things that are safe. I hope that this plan will not upset anyone, but my husband and I have discusses this and we both agree that I have to take care of myself first.

 Reply posted for cward367.

What I would do is speak with her before the visit and tell her that you don't want to burden her with having to make meals that are "safe" meals and that you will prepare them since you know exactly what you can and cannot have.  Then there should not be any bickering about the meals and what you eat will not even be a topic of discussion and a concern/bother to the inlaws.  

 Reply posted for cward367.

I understand you pain, I have several food issues and what I can eat is always changing, so What I have taken to doing is always bring something with me that I can eat. I talked to my mother in law about this and because I didn't want to offend her, she was fine with it and open to it because she never knows what I can and can not eat. This also gives me peace of mind because I know i wont have food issues. Not sure if this helps but I hope so. Best of Luck! 

 Reply posted for cward367.

Whenever I go to visit my boyfriend's mom or dad (we usually stay for a few days), we go to the grocery store when we get there so that I can buy things that I can eat.  We also have open discussions about it, so both his parents know that I have a restricted diet and can only eat healthy things.  I also help with dinner so that I can make things that I can eat and I won't feel bad for not eating.  As long as you are open about it, they should not be upset with you for not being able to eat certain things.  I was diagnosed 6 years ago, so at this point, I am used to bringing my own food places.  What people think of me does not matter, my health does though.

 Reply posted for cward367.

I agree with Lizzie's Mom.    it can be stressful, you don't want arguments & family strife.  Just say " It would be better for me not to eat it".  Or put a variety of things on your plate in tiny amounts, but only eat the things that you know you can eat.  Offer to prepare meals, or prepare a dish as part of the meal that you can tolerate.  And frankly, when visiting family or friends or on holiday.... sometimes I don't eat when/where everyone else is eating.  It can be depressing, but don't let anyone take it personally.  It is not about them or their choices.  It is about your health.  And your body is too important to compromise by eating things that cause you pain or illness. Practice a few easy phrases... and if you don't make a big deal out of it; others shouldn't.
Hang in there.   many of us have the same difficulty.
My brother recently made a big family meal and told me that he was serving
Thai, peanuts on the side when I mentioned that I don't eat seeds or nuts.
well, peanuts were not on the side.  In/On everything. Bringing a sandwich or standby food would have allowed me to still participate in the meal and eat with everyone without suffering for two days afterward.   Sometimes we just need a gentle reminder to follow our own advice

 Reply posted for cward367.

I've been dealing with mother-in-law issues for a very long time, longer than my daughter has had CD.  

Here is what I do.   On your way to her home visit the local grocer and go wild!   Get all the ingredients you would need to prepare gut friendly meals for ALL of you.  You are right, there is absolutely no reason why a family can't eat together.  Don't forget to bring all of your safe go-to snacks this way if she doesn't have something satisfying, all of your bases are covered. 

Lizzies Mom