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Im in a dark place. Worn down, broken and microscopic is incurable. It just tears you down emotionally and physically to the point of no hope. I always tell myself tomorrow is a new day. I cant say that it will be good but theres hope. I was diagnosed in 2009 with severe symptoms that are still to this day not managed with multiple failed surgeries. I have almost taken my life several times. It can be relentless, merciless and very unforgiving without a break. I think the nonstop 7 days a week 24 hours a day without a break its what gets you. The pain. Wow the pain. And looking normal on the outside but not being able to relate hurts you. It has mentally stripped my pride and dignity without mercy to many times. You start to question your lifes worth and value as I just started recently doing. Not contributing and adding financial burden as well as putting a hardship on my family. I have finally just now after all this time can swallow and admit the fact that I have to wear pads so I dont soil myself. I had and still wished that I was paralyzed, a quadriplegic so that I can at least move on and have somewhat of a quality of life. I could have adapted. I think this is harder in a way because of the not knowing of and how much how long of a bad day you will have . I even thought some times I wished I had cancer.so I could at least go through chemotherapy and then be able to at least maybe move on with my life. The lack of sleep, pain and all the rest above has me again wondering why am I staying and not adding anything good to my kids lives when they dont need this same old Same Old bs. Its just not me that is struggling bc of this but me thats making Everything around me suffer bc of me. Anyway. Thank you for letting me share.

 Reply posted for warholic4.

I feel the same. Now, I met a man I like for the 1st time in over a decade. Not only is the disease itself a barrier to ever having a relationship, he doesn't believe I'm sick! That is the most common reaction I get, in fact. The 'scope pictures, other images, blood tests, and everything else do not matter, to anyone. He thinks I'm a drug addict - street drugs! I can show people my humira pen, open my medicine cabinet and invite them to call the dr listed to confirm the rx, and they don't care! They come up with another explanation, like I'm a drug addict! I take a single controlled drug to help me sleep.
And don't say I'm better off without him! I've been alone for 14 years! I am alone. I will die alone, on the street, destitute, bc the SSA doesn't believe I'm sick either!!

 Reply posted for mads.

I'm really glad you are posting this, the other day I told my mom such similar things. I said it would be easier to have cancer because at least there's an end, I know that's not an entirely rational thought but IBD has brought me to such a dark place also. It has cut away my spirit each and every day to a point where it's nearly impossible to be hopeful. I keep thinking I don't have it as bad as other IBD patients, but I also have lost almost everything from this. Feeling like a burden and honestly like I've regressed from an adult to a child again is a hard pill to swallow. It's at least a little easier that we aren't alone in it.

 Reply posted for warholic4.

I've had the cancer thought many times but for a different reason -- I've had relatives die of cancer so I know how heartbreaking it is -- but at least they knew it would end. Crohns you just sit and suffer and it doesn't stop.

 Reply posted for warholic4.

I feel the same way, I'm just so tired of it I've had crohns for the past 6 years and I've been on so many different meds in and out of the hospital 4 times a year over the past 5 years. I haven't felt okay since before I was diagnosed. I just started my first year of college and I'm so terrified that I won't be able to finish. I'm so stressed and I'm so sick of running to the bathroom. I sometimes have these break downs, it's just a build up of everything and I just go into that dark place. I'm trying to be strong for my parents and to get good grades. I want to do good and actually go on to become a PA. My parents are like you shouldn't have gone away, it would have been easier like yes it would have but I wanted to do it because I want to show people and myself that I am stronger than this disease and it does not control my life.

 Reply posted for mscottsp.

I am so sorry you feel so down. I was recently diagnosed with Colitis and am still waiting to see the main Consultant. I also suffer from daily migraines and have been through some dark times. It is so sad that you feel you are unable to talk to anyone about it. Please feel free to talk to me if you would like to. Jane

 Reply posted for warholic4.

Hi I also have a similar experience, I am 24 and in college and everyday I'm in pain I keep having to start over or push back my graduation day. I am a burden on my family my mom can't retire and she thinks I'm trying to live off of her because she can't relate. To her my fatigue,nausea and pain is me just being lazy.She constantly screams and yells at me to get out and do something with my life and I try but just can't get it together. I haven't found someone that can accept me for who I am and fear I'll be alone I see my friends and older cousins getting married and starting their lives and I fear I'll never be able to start mine its so debilitating. I am so depressed right now I think about taking my life constantly, I feel like I'm just existing going through the motions almost like drowning but no one can help me. I understand you are in a dark place but you have kids who love you. I have no one I'm so alone not only in my fight but in life that I just don't want to be here. There's nothing for me here my whole childhood and young adulthood has been stolen by this disease. Something I had no control of hijacked my life and I have no one who cares enough about me to know that I'm in this space. All I've ever wanted was to be a doctor, a wife and a mom and I won't be any of that probably, just a lonely miserable person who couldn't live up to their full potential. I feel so helpless. Anyway you're not alone thanks for letting me vent.