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How do you deal with a spouse that is the most wonderful person in the world (as long as your anxiety is at bay).  He just doesn't get the anxiety issue.  I have always been a worrier, but never to the degree I am now after being diagnosed with UC.  He actually once told me that I brought my UC on myself with all my worries.  I told him that the GI doctor told me that you can not bring on UC that way.  I don't know that he believed it though.

Two years ago I asked my hubby if I could go into therapy (yes..I asked his permissing because I'm a stay at home mom and don't financiall support our family and I knew how costly therapy was).  He told me that it wasn't necessary and I should just change my mental attitude and stop thinking about things in the past or worring about the future, but to live in the present.  Well, easier said than done.  He might be able to use the "mind over matter" technique, but I doesn't work for me.  Now he finally agreed that I could see a therapist because he was tired of me talking to him about all my worries.  The only thing is I can tell he isn't happy about the fact that I am going.  I can feel the distance this disease and my anxieties have caused us. 

 Reply posted for grammycarol.

Hello Grammycarol,

I was interested in your story and can relate that our friends and others often don't get it.  We really do need a lot of support, patience and understanding to deal with this.  I just joined a local support group and you too may be able to find one in your area by contacting CCFA...So when you don't feel understood by your spouse you may be able to get support from others with the same problem.  It's important not to feel isolated as this can really get depressing.

Best to you and write if you would like. 

Laur

P.S. I have UC.

 Reply posted for samon42.

you are not crazy. and woman in general worry more than men. my husband is NOT a worrier and has UC for 18 years. i envy the way he can calmly deal with what needs to be done and then put aside those things which he cannot control. he is able to balance. so uc is not in your head and it is not a worrier's disease. i think if you cannot afford therapy that you should keep on talking to us. and see if that helps. write in a journal all of your feelings. even the mean ones. it is yours noone else can read it and you are allowed to feel what you are feeling when you feel it. give yourself that permission. yoga is a wonderful relaxation tool that makes you feel strong and empowered. if you cannot afford a class at a gym check out the local schools in your area it is ususally offered thru enrichment classes and less expensive. or upgrade your cable to include on demand - i am in michigan and you can get yoga on ours. good luck and take it one take at a time.

 Reply posted for samon42.

My family has a hard time understanding this disease...then again so do I.  I have read so much info.  When I try to talk to family about it especially my husband I get blank stares.  But then again what can they say?  What would I want them to say?  If I was in their shoes I would probably have the same blank stare.  When I had my last flare and was hospitalized I became depressed.  Crohns consumed me.  There wasn't anything anybody could say that was going to make it better for me.  I know my family felt as hopeless as me even though they said nothing.  That's what Crohns can do if you let it....make you feel hopeless.  I had to slowly pick myself back up, dust myself off.  If you are unable to or you feel like you have nobody to support you then it is a good idea to talk to somebody professional and get meds for depression/anxiety.  God Bless

 Reply posted for samon42.

I dont know who wrote this but I am pretty sure I got it off of here from someone.  I printed it out and hung it on my fridge as a daily reminder to my family that life is not always easy or simple for me.  I think it helped as a reminder and the fact that my family has to look at it each and every day as they are reaching for the milk or a snack hasnt hurt any.  I know it says Crohn's Disease but it could be changed for UC also.

Haver you ever felt my pain?  Have you ever felt this hurt?  Have you ever wiped my tears?  Have you ever measured the pains worth?  Have you ever sat in front of your food and prayed for it not to hurt?  Have you looked past the pupils to the thoughts array?  Have you ever tasted the smell of your favorite foods, for it to be taken away?  Have you ever wished you could go back, to when there was no pain?  Have you ever hated the comments some have made?  Have you ever been afraid to eat, and ask yourself why?  Have you ever heard the saying you'll be just fine?  Have you ever had pain just to sneeze?  Have you ever met anyone with Crohn's Disease?

 Reply posted for IBDaMom.

That is an interesting investigation. i read somewhere on the Standford University web site that there is a link between IBD and OCD (obsesive compulsive disorder) because 90% of our  serotonine is in our intestines.

I have UC and OCD. It gives me calm to think that it is all the same disease, that I am not crazy, lol.

 Reply posted for Kar.

I am blessed to have a husband tha does get it.  He was with me when the surgeon came to tell me that I have Crohns.  We were not expecting that at all.  I went in for a hysterectomy & came out with no appendix & a DX of Crohns disease.

He is very concerned about my condition.  My problem....He just won't talk about it.  I have tried to talk to him about medication options but he just sort of sits there and doesn't say anything.

He does take me to all my appointments...they are an hour away.  He sits in with me so he can hear what the doctor says.  He has even driven me to the ER also an hour away at 1:00 in the morning.  He is great that way.

When I stayed in the hospital for 3 days in August I really needed him by my side but he wasn't there as much as I really needed him to be.  I talked to him about it later and he felt that he had been there plenty.  Being an hour away from my family and sick is very hard. 

I know that he gets it that I am thankful for.  I just need him to be a little more involved and I guess loving when I am sick. My advice.  Print off copies of what UC/Crohns is...the entire thing....hand it out to those who don't get it and hope that they will read it.  I did that for my dad who at 85 didn't know what Crohns is.  Now he knows and he is glad that he knows what I am going through.  My kids got a copy too.

Give it a try....it can't hurt.  Good luck

Grammycarol 

 Reply posted for Kar.

Thank you all for your replies.  I am in the process of deciding on a therapist and sometimes it's hard to admit that I can't handle this on my own.  It is very frustrating when I feel like my spouse doesn't understand and even seem to care.  I get made when I see him spending hours researching things about sports etc on the computer but he has never once done any research on UC.  It just makes me feel like I'm not worth the trouble.  There is no way I will ever see his side to why he won't research my disease yet spends hours researching football picks for his football pool. 

I will admit that the one thing he does do for me is constantly monitor if I am taking my meds.  My pills are put in a daily pill container and when he gets home from work he usually checks to make sure I took my afternoon meds and he will get mad if I forget.  I know that is his way of showing he cares, but the lack of researching the UC or thinking that my worry has caused this really hurts me.

On another note...Yoga does sound interesting.  I have often thought I might like it but, of course, the cost keeps me from looking into it.  Does yoga help with worry and anxiety?

 Reply posted for samon42.

My husband is great about all this matter. He tottally understands me and studies about my disease. But my brother, who has been like a father to me trully believes that there is no such thing as UC and that I make it up cause I like being sick so I can drive attention to me.

What I think is that he is in denial, cause he cannot bear seeing his little sister deteriorate. He says I emotionally depend on my meds (mesalamine and 6MP), but that there is nothing physically wrong with me, for he is tottally healthy and we share the same gene package...

Anywho, what I am trying to say is that is not always that easy to uderstand other people lack of pitty or indiference, cause sometimes is just so painful for them to see us struggle...

I trully hope you feel better and find the strength to undergo your spouses feelings. An if he doesn´t come around, you always have this forum ;)

 Reply posted for samon42.

I have had similar problems, to the point that it ended my last relationship due to the stress and worrying. He couldn't understand what I was going through. It wasn't only my colitis flare up, but this was on top of many other things going on including the death of my grandfather. I have started doing yoga, acupuncture, and counseling to help with my anxiety and it seems to be helping. I was glad to read others seem to be in similar situations. I definitely wasn't so stressed out and worried when I was first diagnosed, but now it's just something I know I have to deal with. It really sucks when the person you love leaves you because you worry too much about the future and put pressure and things of that nature.

 Reply posted for samon42.

Boy can I relate to your story!!! My husband thinks that I bring on my UC by worrying also! and when I reach for a Valium, he accuses me of being dependent on drugs! I have found that just chatting on this forum to be very emotionally healing. Just talking to people with the same problems has really helped! My disease has effected my marriage alot and my 12 yr old understands more than my husband! A few yrs ago I had an ""accident" in the movies and had to call my girlfriend to bring me a change of clothes from the bathroom because I knew my husband did not want to leave the movies because it was a movie that my daughter wanted to see...I have learned to always pack a change of clothes but you are definatly not alone! I have cried myself to sleep many a night just wanting to live with an understanding partner. He works full time to support our household and I have the option of working freelance in my position for my own spending money, and I chose to work in stores that have bathrooms nearby...good luck to you in therapy.

 Reply posted for samon42.

The CCFA just posted a synopsis of a research study recently conducted on depression and anxiety in IBD.  The reported findings are quite interesting.

http://www.ccfa.org/reuters/depression

 Reply posted for samon42.

My husband too thinks my uc is soley related to the stress in my life.  I belive there is a link there, but it is not the cause.  I can be hard to hear to just stop worry and you will get better over and over again.  I also have a therapist and have brought this up to work through several times.  I'm happy to hear you will be seeing someone.  This is a topic that you will be able to discuss and work through.  Good luck!