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Hi, all,

Having discovered this forum a few months ago when my soon-to-be mother-in-law moved in with me and my fiance, I am now only posting for the first time. As I am not working right now, I am her primary caregiver. She arrived here completely depressed, but in the past few months we have seen her depression worsen, and we are at a loss. As a result of her UC, diagnosed two years ago upon her mother's and sister's deaths, she developed diabetes, is severely anemic, and also has chronic bronchitis, so we cross-check her diet and do everything that we can think of doing to help her. But, I believe her depression is the most crippling thing of all for her, and I don't know how to help. She is on an anti-depressant, but she's been in a flare for the past two months and I think it's a vicious cycle--one thing discourages the other from improvement.

To make it more difficult, she isn't honest with us about how she's feeling and etc., which we think is because she doesn't want to feel like she's further burdening us. We do everything we can, with smiles, to assure her she's not a burden, but I think in her depressive state we will not be able to convince her. And I'm so worried for her, and for my fiance.

Does anyone have any experience with someone with UC who is so severely depressed? I believe it is impairing her ability to get better. If anyone has any advice, I would sure appreciate it!

Best of luck to everyone here! Thank you for listening.

Thank you so much,
Melissa

 Reply posted for mnosal.

Hmm.  Chronic bronchitis, UC, diabetes, anemia:  is she seeing an internist, somebody who is looking at ALL her health problems?  GIs tend to focus on the intestines, ENTs on the brochitis, etc.  I would have her see an internist for a complete health workup.  At the very least, she probably needs to be on a different antidepressant.

Been there--40 years UC.  It does tend to wear one down, especially when physical health problems are coupled with stress, and she's had plenty of that, what with the loss of close family members and a recent move.  But she does have you, and that's a good thing.

 Reply posted for mnosal.

I have three sons and I pray I someday have a wonderful daughter-in-law like you - you are a gem.

In a way I can understand your MIL.  I am really good and not telling people how I really feel.  For two reasons- first they seem so genuinely disapointed I don't feel well that I feel bad for letting them down- 2nd - I don't want to be that person no one wants to talk to because all they do talk about is how bad they feel.  You know that great aunt you avoided because you knew you would get 30minutes of arthriits talk.  So I am so afraid people will start to avoid me- I start hiding more and more how I feel.  In addition-at least for me- I am really embarassed about my condition- I mean I can't answer the how do you feel questions with- well went 4times -blood and mucus etc.  I shudder just to type it. 

If you go to the main page of this site it does say you can call and get support in several languages-and I am sure there is a spanish option.  Also you might try and order some book on her condition in spanish- I would try Amazon or Barnes and Noble on line.  Are there any movies she might like to watch that you guys could watch with her.  Maybe do a movie night at home- or work on a puzzle with her- or does she do any crafts that you could get supplies that she could make items for the family or for your home.  Outside of feeling physically icky I also feel very useless sitting at home running to the bathroom-maybe if she could find some activities that she enjoyed it would help her self esteem and help take her mind off of it.  I find that if I get something accomplished I feel a bit better about myself! 

 Reply posted for kimhg.

Thank you for your reply. You've been experiencing a flare for two years?! I'm so sorry for you. My mother-in-law's current flare is going on three months, and I just feel for her so much...

I agree with you that she must feel very alone not knowing anyone else with UC. Me and my fiance need to understand this better. I will resume my efforts to encourage her to use this site.

Thank you, again. I send you my best.

Melissa

 Reply posted for EZ.

Thank you so much for your reply. I introduced this forum to her when I first discovered it a month ago. She thought it was kind of neat, but as she is Spanish-speaking, she didn't feel there were lots of people with whom to converse and that turned her off. I cannot locate a Spanish-speaking support group in our area (we're in NYC), which surprises me. I thought of starting one for her.

I will keep trying! I should have joined this forum right away. I already feel re-energized.

Thank you, again, for your reply, and best of luck to you and your daughter.

Melissa

 Reply posted for christenzilla.

Thanks for your reply.

I absolutely can imagine anyone with UC or its symptoms would be depressed--it makes perfect sense and I am not questioning that at all. And as for smothering her, I do hear what you're saying. Problem is, she does not tell us even when she is feeling so terrible or if she has new symptoms or etc., so I feel in order for us to provide as accurate care as possible for her (and also so that she feels she has someone who loves her/takes care of her/etc.--she has nothing in her life except for her son and, well, me), we do need to know how shes feeling. But, again, I can appreciate that no one wants to be asked all of the time--and only--about how theyre feeling. If I dont cook for her and remind her when to eat (not only because of UC, but her diabetes, as well), she wont, or shell eat whatever she is used to, and being from South America, its more often than not food that exacerbates her UC and diabetes.

She wanted to learn how to knit, so I taught myself so that I could teach her--I thought that would be a good distraction for her. The yarn and needles just sit by her chair. She isnt able to get out of the house right now--even going for a walk down the street is too difficult for her. Because were newly engaged, I bought a bunch of bridal magazines that I thought she and I would have fun flipping through, though Im not a girly girl. It piqued her interest for a little while, but I think in the end it reminded her of her bad fortune in relationships.

Any other advice you have regarding her depression is super appreciated. Thank you so much, and best of luck.

Melissa

 Reply posted for mnosal.

I am pretty sure UC makes everyone who has it depressed! Since shes got a lot of health problems, she is probably really depressed, who wouldn't be?

I would suggest stop asking her how she feels, and try to let her have some independence. Sounds like your taking good care of her, but you may be smothering her.

When people ask me how am doing, I always reply great. Even though sometimes am about ready to rip my hair out. Because I don't need anyones help, I don't want anyone worrying about me, and I don't want anyone thinking I can't handle things myself. If somethings really wrong, she will ask for your help.

Lastly, when people are depressed. You  should try to distract them with stuff they love to do. Like I love to shop, so thats what I do when I get worried or  become upset. Which also explains why I have so many clothes.

Hope this  gives you some stuff to think about. Good luck.

 Reply posted for mnosal.

Your mother in law is so lucky to have such a caring daughter in law.  My 18 year old daughter has had UC for 2 years.  She said no one can understand what she is going through especially at her age.  Her first doctor told her to learn everything there was to learn about IBD and also recommeded this ccfa website.  My daughter goes on this discussion board and has posted a few things and she reads the posts.  I think it's great that she does that so she knows she is not alone in this.  She had told me she doesn't know one person with UC.  Her first doctor also told me that there are lots of kids that get very depressed because they have to deal with this at a young age but I suppose it can happen at any age.  Do you think your mother in law would want to go on this discussion board and read the posts and then she'd see she is not alone.

 Reply posted for mnosal.

Bless you for taking care of her.  I have CD not UC but both are tough to deal with.  I have been battling my disease for 5 years now and for the last 2 years have pretty much been in a flare.  It is depressing and you do feel all alone but she needs to find someone she can talk with that is dealing with the same kind of issues.  She needs to know she isnt the only person dealing with the effects of this horrible disease or in her case diseases.  It is tough to motivate yourself to do anything when you know you have pain to look forward to everyday.  Maybe they should try a different anti depressant for her.  Some times what works for one doesnt necessarily work for another.  I really feel for you and think it is so wonderful that you are so concerned for your mother in law.  It will be tough for you and your fiance also.  There are support groups out there just check on this site for the nearest one.  It helps to have others to talk with who truly understand.  I do wish you the best of luck and hopefully her health will improve and she will see the sunshine through the clouds.  God Bless Kim ;)