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I have to admit, of course I had pity on myself during the past years as I was diagnosed in the hospital like once a month and all the crap that came with it. Through all of that I never hated myself because of it. Suddenly I find myself doing just that. I feel stuck in a body that makes me be a different person that who I really am.

I think its because one of my best friends leads such a full life, the type of life I would be living but I can't. Reminds me of everything I miss out on. I know that I am a better person for dealing with this but I don't think thats a reddemming quality for all I give up.  How do you deal with waking up in the morning and knowing you can't be who you want to be?

 Reply posted for asohn.

Thank you both for responding. First I'll clear some things up #1, I dont truely hate mylife, some days its just really depressing. #2 I am in counsoling, though I'm not sure its really helping. I guess whats hard for me is because I'm very social and veryinto my studies. I know I wouldn't change athingabout my life if givin the option, its just I want to know what my life would be like without my dissability.

I'm just gonna vent now.I'm just finishing up high school and I have lots of ppl who care about me its just that due to the nature of Crohn's as autoimmune ppl take me being sick for granted lol. like either im too sick and ppl just rub it off as normal, or ill havea few days but then ppl arn't able to understand why i can't be gone all day and night doing stuff. arg plus I'm moving to college soon and i want ppl to know so theycan support me but at the same time I know how ppl react sometimes so idk.

I miss a lot of school, plus I have about 2 doctors appointments a SOOOO important, just to be with friends or read a book, take a sushi class, play with my sisters puppy, ect areways to hlep me make it through the day without breaking down crying in the lockerroom... im  just working on finding that balance and i know its hard to do but after years and years of dealing with it and "doing my best" (whcih i learned means doing bad but acting like its ok because im sick) I'm ready to just find something that works for me. loli think a big part of this is coming up nowbecause my school is giving me crap about being gone and missing work, plus they do not see it how my doctors or I see it, that I need to have a social life and free time just like everyone else.

Ijustneed ppl to understnad that I only have a certain amount of energy so each piece they require me to use up changes the rest of my day and how i feel tomorrow

ok my rant is done. thanks again everyone :)

 Reply posted for rachj.

not sure why the *** but i was say you shouldn't be so *** yourself!

 Reply posted for rachj.

i wish i knew the words to make you feel better.  i too feel trapped sometimes- like my mind and spirit would go soooo many more places and do more things if my body would let me.  and i do get angry at myself that before uc i took my health for granted.  i wish i had done so much more-i feel i wasted time and opportunity- but i didn't know this would happen.  it is hard to watch someone lead the life we wish we could have.  i too feel i would be a different person if i didn't have uc.  but in reality i don't know.  if i was magically cured today- then i think tomorrow i would be such a different person.  but if i didn't have this experience i don't know.  so i get very frustrated with myself that it took this to appreciate life more and now i feel so limited.  hopefully you will find some relief from your symptoms that you can do more of the things you enjoy.  but please don't hate yourself- you sound like an intelligent caring person-please don't be so *** yourself.  i hate to hit you with cliche's because i think we all get sick of hearing them-but i will say that i really really try to celebrate my little victories.  like today i went to the mall with my kids and watched them play in the play area.  a few months ago- i couldn't even venture out.  no big deal for alot of people- for me it was huge.  somehow being "normal" is a big deal for me!  hang in there!

 Reply posted for rachj.

We all wish we didn't have these conditions, and sure, sometimes I hate it.  The Crohns, that is.  If you are truly that miserable with yourself, then I think you should consider counseling.  It helps to have someone not emotionally invested in you to look at your situation and guide you.  Since you can't wish away the disease, you have to live within your own reality, and a counselor can help you do that.  You can't do what your friend does because you are a different person.  Doesn't mean you can't have comfort, laughter, love, fun, enjoyment, and reasons to get up in the morning.  If you are feeling that bad, then don't hesitate to get help.  For people with chronic diseases, all you can do is try your best every day.  Sometimes your "best" will be low and sometimes your "best" will be high - every day won't be the same because it does depend on how you feel.  As long as you've accomplished your personal best, then it's a good day!  It's frustrating, believe me, I know, but please don't give up.  Hating yourself isn't the answer.  You can hate your disease all you want, but it isn't all that you are.  Please don't let it limit you too much.