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hello

I have had crohn's disease for about 11 years, but i was only diagnosed a year ago.  I thought that now that we know what is the problem, we can fix it.  It is not being fixed.  We are trying different treatments, but nothing seems to be working.  I am getting more and more sick every day it seems.  I try to keep a positive attitude, but i can't anymore.  I am done. 

I don't want to live anymore. 

I am in constant pain.  I am failing out of university because I have ben too sick to keep up with the work.  I am just done.  I can't take much more. 

Today I have not yet eaten anything or taken any medication.  I cant bring myself to. 

Has anyone else struggled with this?

 Reply posted for keitha340.

sure.  i'm 38, crohn's for 24 years.  depression and suicide runs in my family, so you may have a genetic disposition for it-- i do.  i think anyone with a crhonic disease is at greater risk for depression and suicide.  i've been in/off shrink docs and drugs for 13 years for depresion.  it is extremely hard.  get a hold of it early, the longer you go in/out of depressive states the worse it gets.

i work in the medical field at a large hospital and see a lot of death from various things including suicide.  i can only say you have to want to help yourself and commit to it.  not taking your meds and being a non-compliant patient is not the way to go.  no therapist or friend can make you do anything, so you have to want to help you.

i'd recommend getting a medical leave from school.  get a job doing something you enjoy in a field you wnat to pursue and go back to school later.  you cannot stay mentally fit if you are physically beat down.

i'm 38 and making tremendous sacrifices trying to go back for a MS degree now, b/c i hated the field i graduated into, engineering.  it is been very hard trying to get into grad school for PA/SA school due to a low gpa from 20 years ago; so get out if you are not making the grades you know you can make.   i'm still not always healthy physically or mentally and will always have to deal with crohn's and depression but at least i feel i have more direction and goals now and i'm more apt to help myself.. 

 Reply posted for keitha340.

Once and awhile but you got to think about your friends and family..Also if you have not already done so find a Therapist that specializes in Chronic Disease not just Anxiety and Depression....

 Reply posted for keitha340.

Hello there

Stop and take a deep breath.  If you have no one to talk to, find someone now. 

I have been living with this horrific disease for over half my life, it is not easy and only people with the disease understand.  I too have not wanted to live after bouts with it and a few surgeries.

I'm now on the strongest drugs you can take and have the best GI in the world and feeling wonderful, it's amazing how good you feel when things are under control...but it take determination and a strong will plus a good doctor.

Please trust me it does get better.

KK

 Reply posted for keitha340.

I know exactly how you feel.  I felt the same way you do right now.  Like everyone else has said it really does get better.  This may be the lowest you will ever feel so now there is only one way but up.  

You are not alone 

 Reply posted for keitha340.

 I feel your pain.  It's so deep.  College is hard enough but going through this makes it extra hard.  I wanted to ask you if you have gone to your disability office?  They are a huge help.  I also am not sure if you have discussed your feelings with your doctor or your family or your friends.  Is your doctor at the University you are attending?  Does your University have a teaching hospital there?  Does it have a couseling center?  It seems if you feel you are failing because of your active Crohn's, you can get a medical discharge with no penality and come back when you are feeling better.  Please don't give up.  We are all here for you and we all care.  Please know you are not alone.  There are also support groups that CCFA can help you find one in your area.  I feel college is so overwhelming as it is and IBD just ads more intense stress.  Do you come on this website often?  Do you read the posts?  They are so helpful and there are such nice people on here and they are willing to help in anyway possible.  Please post again so we can see how you are doing and we will try to help you.

 Reply posted for keitha340.

Okay this may sound weird but when I was having those feelings I talked to myself, I would also write letters to myself (which I still have). When I was 12 I was REALLY sick and I just couldn't handle it. Nobody understood what was going on with me because they had never lived it. So since I was the only person who understood what I was going through I would talk to myself. We I felt the sickest and I really didn't won't to go on anymore I would write letters. Then when things started looking up for me and when the doctors DID find that medicine that would make me feel better for a little bit I would read those letters and wonder why I would let myself get that bad. I promise darling it does get better. Life is out there. This disease is a part of us and all you can do it accept it and remember that things will get better. So don't fret my friend. God protects. And I promise this will make you a stronger person. It did for me anyway.

 Reply posted for keitha340.

Yep, please know, you are not alone.  And it does get better.  This is a disease that the doctor's know little about (weird, eh?), and so many refuse to treat people with it because of liability issues.  At the peak of my illness, I couldn't go on, had no desire, but I knew deep within, I would get better and give it time.  It took me 2 years to be put on a diet (icdiet.com) and Imuran for five weeks to have the imflammation cease.  Pretty sad when you go to the doctor and complain of constipation and two years later you have IBS, Crohn's, hiatal hernia, GERD, interstital cystitis and reactive arthritis.  I kept asking myself  "what next?" and then simply quit asking.  I kept praying to my Higher Power that it would soon become easier to enjoy each day, to be able to go to work (I have to say, it was a plus having a supervisor who's husband has Crohn's) and simply do every day stuff.  I made the decision that this disease would NOT get the best of me, and I try to do things I would normally do if I weren't disabled.  I just finished six miles for the March of Dimes (had to use a walker to walk) but I simply refuse to let this get the best of me.

We're here for you.  Please know that.  My email is aca11@ymail.com if  you ever want to email and let the frustration out.  I'm a good listener. 

Be strong, my friend, be strong.  You CAN beat this. 

 Reply posted for keitha340.

I am so sorry that you are feeling so miserable and hopeless.  Please be sure to talk to someone- anyone about your feelings.  You have every right to feel miserable and frustrated but please don't feel that suicide is an option.  I know right now it feels like you will never be better-or even live a semi normal life- but hang on!  It is hard and sometimes we hang by our little fingers but we can do it- all of us together.  There were days I thought I would never leave the house again.  I was so sad and felt useless to my children and husband.  I am better- not 100% but alot better.  Who knows this might be the best it gets- I don't know I am so new to this.  I try to really relish any "normal" thing I do.  Have you looked into antidepressants?  I really really avoided taking them-but when I ended up in the hospital for the 2nd time in 6months I felt I needed to do something.  I hope you find some hope soon.

 Reply posted for keitha340.

Do NOT give up or be discouraged--there are a lot of good treatments out there and you'll eventually find one that gives you some relief, although nothing will make you "well."  But you will get better!  Make sure you tell your gastroenterologist how desperate you feel right now.

Make an appointment ASAP to see your Dean of Students at your university.  Explain the situation to her/him.  Many students have health problems that cause them to not do well in their classes.  Often they can take a leave of absence without penalty.  Your situation will not be one she/he has never dealt with, and having this particular stress removed will make you feel better.