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I've never hated having Crohn's cause I think it has made me into who I am today and because it is such a big part of my life that if I hate it I hate a major part of me so I won't do that.

Yet I find myself crying all the time, feeling dejected, lonly, unsure. I know I'm depressed, but no one knows, my therapist sort of knows but I don't think he understands it to the full extent. I tend to hide my emotions from everyone except for my 2 bestfreinds and right now both of them live in different states than I do so that isn't really cutting it anymore. I just won't admit to myself that its ok that I feel this way. I will feel horrible one night and say all these horrible things I'm thinking to my friend and then wake up the next morning and be like "oh shoot I didn't mean to say that it wasn't me, please believe me I'm ok I was just really stressed" which is true but I know its dancing around the problem.

I'm feeling guilty that I'm feeling depressed- I'm not suppose to feel like this, I'm suppose to be able to handle it, I'm suppose to at least have some control of my life, I'm suppose to be happy in trials because I know God has a reason for it that I just don't know yet and I know I never will understand his reasons, but then why am I tearing up writing this?

 Well I think I need encouragement from people who know exactly what I mean, my friends are telling me that I need to talk about it with my therapist more in detail. I know in my heart though that somethign else is causing this to be over dramatic in my life right now. I don't physically feel right or emotionally and usually I my emotions change after my body changes, like I'll get a flair up and the day after I will cry for no reason at all. Except this isn't a flair up (well I am in one, but I can tell thats not all). just I need some encouragement, similar stories, or some advice, or just a "hey you know whats best for your body call your doctor and explain asap"

 Reply posted for rachj.

First YOU ARE NOT ALONE! crazy, insane or any thing else.  We know how you are feeling.

I finally (lost it) last Jan - Feb. It was one of those last straw deals. My 16 yr old was ill - has Hashimoto's, and I freaked out in private about it. I started to see a good counselor. Who (surprised/NOT) diagnosed me with Major anxiety, stress, depression, and my ptsd reared its ugly head. Through it all I have started cymbalta and go 1 -2 times a month to just talk to her. Does help, as she is not in my immediate circle of life and is impartial but understanding.

Go back to the Doctor find a councilor/therapist. They do help.

I feel like (c#%p ) when I flair, which is often. I am tired all the time, and hurt always! So of course I am feeling icky and depressed. Heck I am trying to deal with being a single mom on barely any income.  I cant work due to flairs, fatigue and illness. Yet the Gov wont grant me SSDI yet, fighting that with a lawyer & doctors support.  I am diagnosed with UC, IBS, Renaud's, Depression, Ankliospondolitis Arthritis, Sinusitis, Fibromyalgia... so plenty to prove that I just cant work outside the home.

Still, I do believe it has led me to some great people and being a better Mom. (used to work 10 hr days). Now I am here for them. I try to look at each day as a blessing... some days its hard to do. LOL  

 Reply posted for rachj.

I've noticed severe depression during a flare.  I think a lot of it is the Prednisone and the sleep deprivation it causes, but also it is very stressful on your body to go through the pain.  After one of my surgeries I had a major sobbing issue in the hospital and the nurses explained to me that surgery is such a shock to your nervous system that depression is quite normal.  So if the shock of surgery can affect you in that way, the pain of a flare can too - that's my theory.  Add the lack of emotional control caused by steroids and sleep deprivation, and it can be downright dangerous. 

Also, this disease impacts every part of your life - your family, job, livlihood, activity.  That can be depressing.  And this disease doesn't stop - it goes on and on and on.  And people get sick of hearing about it.  I feel quite alone most of the time - and rejected.  I feel people turn away from me, whisper behind my back - somehow blame me for my disease and all the trouble it has caused in my life.  Yeah, I kind of feel like a pariah sometimes.

 Reply posted for rachj.

You are not alone and not the only one dealing with bouts of depression.  From what I've experienced and have read, the impact Chron's has on the functioning of our bodies negatively impacts our ability to cope with things.  All the chemical, nutritional and hormonal changes that occur during a flare makes for one heck of time. 

I too have difficulty finding people who understand and are compassionate about what I am going through.  It helps to be in the healthcare profession and work with friends.  Even then though, many try to dismiss the seriousness of the problem.  As sad as it is to say, if Chron's had a physical manifestation that people could see, it would be easier for them to accept what is going on.  BTW, when I first became sick (almost 20 years ago), I was also accused of either going on some radical fad diet and or having an eating disorder. 

One of my recent coping mechanisms is to just throw my problems in the face of friends and family...no holds barred... no shame.  I tell them all the gross details and explain exactly how much this sucks.  Mind you, I don't rant and rave for hours (although given the steroids I am currently taking I could do that).  I have just stopped saying "I'm fine" everytime someone close to me asks how I am.  That cheats them and me of the opportunity to be there for each other.  My boyfriend, who doesn't cope with illness well, is a different story.  Before I tell him how I am that day, I also prep him with what I need from him.  For example,  "just let me talk, nod your head in agreement, say 'that is horrible', then give me a hug.  I prep him for my mood swings... although one sneaks out without warning now and again.  LOL

You have a right to be depressed.  This is a horrible thing to live with but you can manage.  We are here for you.  Take care.

 Reply posted for rachj.

Don't feel guilty about the bouts with depression.  You are definitely NOT alone!

My daughter was sick from infancy and the drs just weren't listening.  After a few hospital stays (and mis-diagnosis), we were put into the hands of one of my closest confidantes......her Pedi GI.   She has truly been there for me and my family through some of the hardest days of my life.

I can tell you first hand this disease does not only affect the patient, but entire families and circles of friends.  Have you looked into a local support group?   I was never crazy about the idea, but after trying it with my daughter, it did seem to help.   It may have just been knowing we were on the right track, weren't alone, were able to give our ideas/experiences to other patients, parents.....it was helpful.  We did stop going only because the children were teenage and my daughter is now only 9.  I felt they were sometimes bringing her innocent/lively spirit down.

My family/friends think I am handling things great and have it all "together".   If they only knew of the nights I just stand in a hot shower sobbing.   It does get overwhelming, maybe a little different because this is my little girl who I would trade places with in a second, but everybody has good and bad days.  It is  just a matter of balancing the two.

I have definitely had my fair share with depression (probably on a daily basis).   I run......I find it to be a great release of stress.   I understand you may not be well enough to, but just taking a walk outside, tossing in a pilates DVD, or even an I Love Lucy movie......sometimes good humor / laughter is a great remedy.

You are right so far as people not understanding.   Unless they are able to walk in our shoes, they may think they have a good understanding, but they couldn't even begin to imagine.

All my best.

Lizzies Mom

 Reply posted for rachj.

I understand how you feel.  I was depressed last summer (2008) because I couldn't leave my house, I lost about 30 pounds and when I did go to work, people gossiped that I had an eating disorder.  It was awful.  Then I felt guilty about being depressed because I was reading stories on here and realized that people had it even worse than I did (which I didn't think was possible).

What we have is life changing and NO ONE understands unless they have it; even doctors.  I still battle the mental part of this disorder everyday.  I think what makes me "live my life" is the fact that we only have one.  I look back and realize that I wasted at least 3 years of my life because I always had an excuse as to why NOT to do something (no bathrooms around, I endulged in a food I shouldnt have and what if it bothers me later....yadda yadda).  Ive lost friends and delayed relationships...

I truly believe if you are not living your life the way you want because of your condition, you really need to just spill your guts to your therapist and GI doctor... just let it all out.  How could it hurt?   Then they can prescribe you something that can help you.  Also, try yoga.  Its fantastic!  And you can do it in your home in case you are worried about a flare up (totally with you there ;-)  )  Good luck to you!!!  And realize that someone else out there knows how you feel.