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I am really struggling. Even now I just want to cry. I'm just going to kind of pour my heart out. I have been dealing with CD for 13 years. I deal a lot with anxiety and depression which are all rational, understandable feelings.

I've been going through a lot since Dec. 2010. I had a colonoscopy righrt after I was finished with finals at school. I was then in a car accident when I had to leave work because I had an accident(a pretty frequent occurance) at work and had to leave to change clothes. I was having so much pain and pressure in my rectum I could barely sit. I have been diagnosed with 1 confirmed fistula and two other sinus tracts, one which as now broken through. I went to the GYN twice for what I thought was a yeast infection due to a course of antibiotics. After explaining the symptoms, my GI scheduled be for an MRI abnd a consult with a colorectal surgeon. I've had two MRIs and rectal exam under anastesia, all of which took place between March and April of 2011. I have/ did have a rectal stricture, which because of the narrowing and pressure in the rectum caused the fistulas.

I am on Remicade and Methotrexate and I seem to be feeling physically pretty well. No more pain in my rectum, though the fistulas are still draining, appitite pretty good, hardly any stomach pain or nausea, formed stools, though I still go pretty frequently. I think now that things have settled down physically, I am focusing more on the emotional pain. I was diagnosed at nine. Between the time I was diagnosed at 9 to 18, I have had atleast 8 colonoscopies, bout 4 or five CT scans, maybe 3 upper endoscopies, a couple of barrium follow throughts, two barium ennamas, about 5 or 6 hospitalizations, 2 pic lines for 1 bowel ressection at age 11, and a temp colostomy(pure HELL) for aproxx. nine months at 16. There have been weeks where I just lay, I feel constantly naucious, litterally unable to eat, constant pain, no energy. As you can see this is quitre a bit for one person to go through.

 Reply posted for meginMO.

I take 5mg of Zyprexa.  It is mainly used for people who are bi-polar but it helps keep me even keeled so I dont experience really low lows that depression can bring on.  I dont know if it will work for you but it sure seems to help me.

good luck

 Reply posted for meginMO.

YES!  Your providers should have been talking to you about antidepressants LONG BEFORE NOW?   Have you kept a journal?  Consider starting one.   Be totally honest with your providers and discuss the need to see a therapist that has experience dealing with chronic illness issues.  and consider asking RIGHT AWAY, as it can take a while for antidepressants and therapy to really stabilize. 
Also, if you can reach out to your support network as much as possible.... to the ones that are safe to tell everything to. make sure some people know what you are going through emotionally. 

And do something that helps you feel better physically.  consider massage, reflexology, accupuncture, movie night at home with some girlfriends with a romantic comedy double feature?  these can do a lot for the emotional well being while not putting you far from a bathroom, or someplace you would be uncomfortable. 
At my 10 yr mark I was starting to have difficulty working full time and started serious once a week counseling.... and 9 months later my husband was a bicycle struck by a hit& run driver and suffered a broken neck < he is good now 18 months later>.  If I had not been in counseling I would have been hospitalized too due to the stress.  But I was able to be strong for him.  And I was emotionally capable of making the decision to stop working full time until my IBD improves because I am on  antidepressants and working with counselor, and doing physical things for my emotional health <reflexology is the best for me!>  If not, I would have kept doing things that my body couldn't handle. 
Hang in there... you CAN feel better emotionally and physically.  But it takes some work, and you need to be totally honest with your providers.

 Reply posted for meginMO.

yes i have felt this to. until i started going to ccfa camp. its great! you get to met people just like us face to face and you get friends. all the campers and counclers have either crohns or colitis. it gives you something to look forward each year and it makes you feel more like your a part of a family than a crohns or colitis sufferer. they help support you and totally understand where you are coming from.

 Reply posted for meginMO.

part ii: i have been hospitalized twice in the past two months for my anxiety and depression. i know that it is partly due to a bad reaction to my antidepressants. i'm working with my psychiatrist to find the right meds, but they can only do so much, the rest has to come from me. that's why i have been seeing a therapist regularly for a few months now. i guess if i had to give one piece of advice it would be to find a support system as early as possible after you are diagnosed. some gi's can reffer you if you ask them. i really think i should have been seeing someone more regularly since the diagnosis. there are also support groups.

the diagnosis of the fistula seemed to be the catalyst. i completely broke down; i was hysterically crying , hyperventalating, screaming. i just said "i just don't want/can't do crohn's anymore." the only surgical option discussed was a colostomy. not sure if this would be permenant.  the temporary colostomy i had  at 16 was *** , and the thought of having to go through that again is just on a loop in my head. i just don't know if i could survive it also the thought of i can't/don't want to do this anymore is on a loop in my head .i keep thinking about all i've been through, how painful it has been and how tired i am physically and mentally and emotionally.

all these years of being sick have taken their toll on my mental state. like  because i feel fairly good physically and because i was really sick for so long, i just don't know what to do with myself. ibd becomes so much a part or you and your identity.also, now that physical pain is fairly undercontrol, i'm focusing more on the emotional pain. i think that i never really greived for myself with the crohn's, for how it totally changed my life and the loss that comes along with it.

 does anyone take any anti anxiety or antidepressants that really seem to help? has a counselour or other mental health suggested treatment for post traumatic stress?